That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
