onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
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