i just had sex bonerless
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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