she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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