I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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