I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
