bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
where are my eyebrows?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
