I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
