My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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