we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
