remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She announced her abortion via fbk
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
