Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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