I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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