Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
