I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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