You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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