whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
