then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
