I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
