textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
