RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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