Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
