not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
