in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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