Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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