You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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