That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
