Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
