Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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