I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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