he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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