we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Randomize
