Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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