wrigley field is MILF paradise
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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