I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
