Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
