someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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