My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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