life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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