Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
