it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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