I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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