Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
