What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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