Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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