dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
