My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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