this beer tastes like vomit already
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
