Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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