Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
