You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
